The Cliches of the Harry Potter fandom
by Daemon Jones
Summary: As it says on the tin. As a request, I wrote the cliches of the HP Fandom, albeit terribly, but they're here. Including generic things such as; a sorting hat song, which only has an extra verse, Harry, Ron and Hermione having a summer that treated them well, and an OC! Happy reading !
1. In which people get hot

**Hey guys, I know I shouldn't start a new fic, but this is a selection of humourous drabbles for Eshi9. **

**When I reach milestones, I ask for requests, and Eshi9 asked for a humour piece for either HP, Twilight, or Glee, using all the cliches. I started the HP one, but started having a bit too much fun, so each category will be a story, each chapter being a drabble. They're terribly written, so apologies, but they do allow me to write, and get rid of the writers block I've had for ages.**

**Each drabble will be in basic, simple form, so don't hate on the writing style. They can be read in any order, and will have relevant chapter names.**

**Each drabble is a cliche I've noticed in a few Fics I've read throughout my time on .**

**Minor swearing, but other than that enjoy these drabbles that make little to no sense!**

* * *

Harry is sitting alone in a compartment of the Hogwarts Express. Over the summer he has lost most of his boyish charm, including his puppy fat, and now boasts muscles, including a slightly defined four-pack. His hair, with a lot of product, has been flattened down, and his eye sight was fixed, with Vernon giving the excuse that 'he needed to be able to see the garden so he didn't do such a bad job next time'. He had also grown, and now stood at 5'11".

The door slid open, jerking Harry out of his thoughts. In walked Ron. He too had changed, his height reaching just less than 6'2", his body becoming more defined, and his clothes boasted wealth.

"Hey Harry." Ron's baritone cut through the air, rendering Harry speechless. "I guess you noticed the clothes. Turns out that Fred and George got a lot of customers, so we're not poor anymore. Have you seen Hermione?"

Turns out, summer had treated them all well.

Hermione had blossomed into a vibrant young lady. She had curves in all the right places, and the dress she wore showed them off perfectly. Her hair had been tamed, and the subtle make-up on her face boasted elegance.

"Hello boys, nice summer"

"Willyougooutwithmehermione" _asyoucantelli'mnotpooranymore. _

"Wait, what?" Said Hermione.

"Will you go out with me Hermione?" blushes Ron.

"I will!"

They passionately kiss. Unbeknownst to them, Harry has fancied Hermione since third year.

From this point on, Harry either discovers his inner homosexuality, or realises that Ginny is no longer twelve, when she's actually thirteen!


	2. In which there is a US transfer student

"As a wonderful start to the new term, I thought I'd like to introduce our new transfer student. The only one in Hogwarts history! She's called Mary Sue, and she's from the United States. Mary has already been sorted, and will join Gryffindor."

Gryffindor table went mad as she walked to their table, but Harry couldn't take his eyes off her. She was perfect (as per usual). Her skin was pale and flawless, her figure shown off well, despite the unflattering uniform. Her caramel hair flowed to her waist, and her eyes were a piercing blue. Her plump lips were parted slightly as she came to a stop in front of him.

"Can I sit 'ere?" Whatever Harry thought she was going to sound like was shattered in that moment.

She was Northern.

"Ah, screw it. I'll sit here anyways. Y'alright there pretty boy, look a little off."

_Bollocks._


	3. In which I try doing a sorting hat poem

As the hat was placed upon the stool, a tear opened, looking suspiciously like a mouth. It then began to sing, scaring the new first years.

_A thousand years or more ago,  
When I was newly sewn,  
There lived four wizards of renown,  
Whose name are still well-known:  
Bold Gryffindor from wild moor,  
Fair Ravlenclaw from glen,  
Sweet Hufflepuff from valley broad,  
Shrewd Slytherin from fen.  
They share a wish, a hope, a dream,  
They hatched a daring plan,  
To educate young sorcerers,  
Thus Hogwarts school began.  
Now each of these four founders  
Formed their own house, for each  
Did value different virtues,  
In the ones they had to teach.  
By Gryffindor, the bravest were  
Prized far beyond the rest;  
For Ravenclaw, the cleverest  
Would always be the best;  
For Hufflepuff, hardworkers were  
Most worthy of admission;  
And power-hungry Slytherin  
Loved those of great ambition.  
While still alive they did divide  
Their favourates from the throng,  
Yet how to pick the worthy ones  
When they were dead and gone?  
'Twas Gryffindor who found the way,  
He whipped me off his head  
The founders put some brains in me  
So I could choose instead!  
Now slip me snug around your ears,  
I've never yet been wrong,  
I'll have alook inside your mind  
And tell where you belong!  
But wait young people, for I'm not done,  
For as per generic ways,  
I must tell a tale of doom and wisdom,  
So each can scream or praise.  
Despite the danger lurking around,  
I know you people aren't dumb,  
But listen well, or hear the bell,  
For the danger will soon come.  
But that is all from the sorting hat,  
As author usually makes no sense  
Towards the end of the poem anways,  
F*ck it, you know the rest._

_Happy sorting!_

And with that, the slit closed, and became a hat once more.


	4. In which Harry breaks the stereotype

It was dinner time in the Great Hall, and Harry was confused. Well not confused per se, but more like pleasantly interested. Staring questioningly into his soup he asked, half to himself:

"Why were the Mauraders an Era?" Looking up from his dinner, he noticed Hermione staring at him, mouth open. Ron was getting in some extra Quidditch practice, so he wasn't there, Neville was with Luna and some of their house mates were studying, so it was just Harry and Hermione, and a few other Gryffs.

"I was just wondering, because it's not really an era, just a point in time when our parents went to Hogwarts"

"Harry…Are you Ok?"

"Yes, why?"

"You're being…..logical" Silence swept through the room, and heads turned towards their table, including Slytherins.

"Harry Potter?"

"Making sense?"

"I thought he was stupid"

"Did they check to see if he took a potion?"

"Maybe he was hexed"

"Maybe…."

Harry listened to the whispers. _Am I really thought of as that stupid? I wonder if I have been hexed…maybe Malfoy…_

"Malfoy!"

"Oh thank God, he **was** just hexed"


	5. In which Snape and Harry Bond

"You're exactly like your father" Says Snape.

Harry flails around and blows everything up.

"I will take an un-necessarily large amount of points from Gryffindor because you were stupid. 150 points from Gryffindor."

"Snape how could you be so mean! You loved my mum!"

"Alas, you used my only weakness against me, but for the purpose of this fiction drabble, we will be friends, in secret."

"It will never work!"

But as the fic progresses, Snape becomes a fatherly figure to Harry.

It's difficult for me to write Snape, because I can only think of Alan Rickman talking about spoons.


	6. In which we attempt to like Trelawney

"I don't get why we have to take Divination anyways Hermione, it's not like I need it to become an Auror."

"You have to Harry"

They stop walking down the corridor and climb up the ladder into Divination.

"Nooooooooo" Wails Trelawney. "Death! I see death! You will die, Harry Potter"

Harry is shocked, and walks dumfounded to his seat. He doesn't listen to the lesson, and walks out in a daze. Ron comes up behind him, trying to offer support.

"It's alright mate, she said it last year, and you're still alive."

"I guess" Harry walks forward, but Trelawney pulls him back. Harry is confused.

"You child. You will be cursed, and your life will be terrible"

_Author then comes up with a witty remark in a weak attempt to get readers to like Trelawney._

Holding up a sandwich, she says "That's how I roll"

_Readers chuckle awkwardly, and proceed to hate her. So does author._

A few days later, Trelawney is found dead, and the gang must find out who killed her.


End file.
